Forty

Hello, Kellin Quinn I hope you don't mind,

a friendlier person than me is, really, pretty hard to find.

But this can't pass without me saying a word and I think I speak for the entire nation,

the whole thing actually requires a somewhat standing ovation.

So let's sing, laugh and celebrate with a whole string quartet,

and pray you'll be punched in the face by a bunch of rednecks from Lafayette.

I want to tattoo "congratulations" on your face using a cigarette,

that's right Mr. Quinn, you just won the price of most embarrassing quote on the internet.

Thirty nine

Good morning.

I got home from work at 12.30 am last night and decided to have a South Park marathon which led to me only sleeping for two hours in total. Doubtful decision, indeed, since I just had some coffee and almost threw it back up. Talk about a bit of morning decadence (that's not even involving a hungover!) - me feeling sick due to serious lack of sleep that I brought upon myself by.. watching South Park.

I feel like a fish finger.

And yeah, on the subject of fish fingers, I thought I'd just write a little list of things that really grinds my gears:

• People making loud, sloppy noises when chewing their food. Just.. I mean.. seriously. Are you a grown up? If the answer to that question is yes, then shut your mouth and keep it closed when you eat. Otherwise, you deserve no respect from your fellow human beings. There's just nothing excusing this behavior. Nope.
• People using a spoon when eating but still uses their teeth. Sounds weird, but I'm sure you've stumbled across this phenomenon if you think about it. If you're not looking to use the spoon in a proper way, and not as a thing you scrape food of with your teeth - then just go and grab a fork. It makes sense, right? And since you're grown up and have forks at home this shouldn't really be an issue. 
• Disrespect. It doesn't matter how, when or where.
• Tea, but you guys now that already. Bloody hell, I'd almost prefer to drink a cup of fish fingers.
  
• People making excuses for others stupid behavior with the words "yeah, I know it's bad, but that's just the way she/he is.." No fucking way dude, I'm not buying that.
• The smell of stale piss (this should be something we all could relate to, really).
• People bragging about them being vegetarian and super duper green and environmental, when in reality they eat both fish and chicken.
• "Crazy" pictures of cats.
• "Crazy" YouTube videos of cats.
• People using high heels but just.. have no idea how walk in them. Painful thing to witness.
• People being stupid when out and about. If your're in a bad mood and just feel like pushing people on the streets or be rude to the buss driver, just stop it. It's your responsibility to stay home or just suck it up.
• Teenage girls with just one face expression.
• Soup. Is it a drink? Is it a food? What's going on there.
• People being obvious. Someone says something, this person repeat the exact same thing (or with a couple of new words). And it doesn't stop. That's all they do. This literally means that you, my friend, have no opinions and.. don't be like that. Don't be a tiny person. Life is too short.

Thirty eight

Hey.

This is me again, only this time I'm writing from Sweden. I'm now about to make a serious attempt to do some CPR on this blog, kickstart the heart and keeping it alive. I'm going to stop over analyzing every word I type and that means everything I post might not always be perfect but I've decided not to care about that and just focus on regular updates. So, well.. here we go again. Please see shitloads of words below. Sorry in advance for going all deep again (that's what he said), but this just an update, it'll get more entertaining I promise.

I'm back in my old hometown and the smell of winter is everywhere. Just being outside equals some pretty intense pain as the cold really gets to me, and there's only a couple hours of daylight. Still, I'm in a very good state of mind. No matter how I feel about this place, it's alright for now. Just to put it out there, with minimal fuss and no further ado: I've calmed the fuck down lately.

After leaving London I spent about six weeks in Norway and the city was teeny tiny (which was not at all expected). Rush hour in Oslo is like an empty London three o'clock on a Tuesday.


In Norway, you can go whale watching and buy a bag of crisps for £8 (you can also buy some fucking decadent drugs if that'd take your fancy). There are big black crows flying about, probably three billion disgustingly rich people with small dogs and the tap water is so clean that it's almost close to unnatural. Also, rumor has it that the city is full of invisible unicorns but I didn't see any.

I lived in a little house together with four friends of mine, and I slept on a loft together with a dude named Mikael. The little house had chandeliers, 13 pictures of boats on purple walls and a floor so cold that it was almost unbearable in the mornings. We ate fish fingers, noodles and canned sweetcorn and drank coffee and wine while talking about good and bad times. We cried, laughed, welcomed autumn and planned for the future.

But as wonderful as it was indeed, it wasn't for me.

So here I am, back again, where I suppose it all started.

I still make doubtful choices sometimes and my biggest fear is still to be unwanted. I can't stand the thought of rejection and being unloved and the feeling that I'm for whatever reason not good enough.

But then I remember: life's what you make it and if shit seems to be all around you no matter how fast you run, chances are high that you are the one either creating the shit or that you're full of it yourself. You can't run away from yourself, take it from someone whose middle name used to be "existential crisis". It's just no point going through life with a head creating problems that aren't really there. I learned that a lesson way too late.

You can wish for things to change, but it won't get you nowhere. My life's entirely up to me, and your life's entirely up to you. It's just as simple as that, really. Well, tiring and mind blowing, indeed. But simple. And once you get it, it's a lot easier to breath. Trust me.

I'm now focusing on work, getting tattooed, hugging friends and staying happy. I don't know where I'll be in a week, next month, in three years. But that's the thing, that's the answer. I don't have to. I don't have to know.

Not for me, not for anyone.

Thirty seven

I just had one of the most important moments in my life so far. It all happened within a blink of an eye, miles away from being at all planned.

I found myself in Shepherd's Bush, walking about with a good friend of mine. We ended up outside my old flat where I spent six months back in 2011.

During that time a lot of things started, and a lot of them ended. I did some things that I am far from proud of and would rather forget. I was lost, with no train of thought, and desperately hoping that no one would ever find me. Things were hard, even when they were fairly easy. I lived like that for such a long time that I am now unable to even remember what I was like before.

I have some lovely memories from that period, but can still recall the war that was going on inside of me in every single one of them. This is all sounding massively dysfunctional, but it is a part of my story.

As I was sitting outside, looking up at what used to be my bedroom window, I got the closure I have been looking for. In that moment I knew that I am now ready to turn the page.

I finally know who I am and want to be, embracing my good and bad sides. I am proud of myself and I have so much love to give to the people worth my while, to new friends and to those who walked beside me then and still are. Today it all just got crystal clear, as if it was written down on a piece of paper for me to read.

I am leaving you now, London, with a feeling that I never thought I would feel. I am sitting here with the biggest lump in my stomach and tears running down my face, but with the greatest respect for life that I have ever felt. How peculiar it is the way it has, for whatever reason, brought me to this moment.

I am letting go now. But letting go does not mean forgetting, it just means that you have reached a point when you are ready to put it behind you and letting it be a part of your past - and accepting it.

Thirty six

London is the uncrowned king of small and smelly corner shops. You can find these miniature supermarkets everywhere - in every corner and on almost every street.

My closest corner shop is about five steps away from my front door and I have had a look about in there and made a list of some of the things you can buy in this specific corner shop. Without any further due, please see bullet points below:

• Cans of coconut water - ready to drink.
• Sardines coming from a country no one has ever heard of.
• One million different kinds of fizzy drinks and juices.
• Tobacco-rolling papers with liquorice flavor.
• Laundry detergent and softeners and scary shampoo.
• Canned sausages from the World War II.
• Alcohol in all shapes and sizes.
• Birthday cards.
• Mobile phones. 
• Cat food.
• Baby oil.
• An impressive selection of pickled cucumbers and onions.
• Disney-plasters.
• Purple toilet paper from China.
• A "fresh" variety of sea creatures I had no idea one could consume. 
• Large, brown bags of onions.
• Whipped cream.
• A whole lot of beans - canned in every way possible.  
• Large, white granny-knickers. 

Basically, my local corner shop has got everything one could possible need. No need to arse about in humongous supermarkets when you can purchase some high quality baby oil, whipped cream and random sea creatures - all at the same place!

Thirty five

Sunny Sunday!

I am at work, listening to the Death Magnetic album by Metallica and I just ate some canned mackerel in tomato sauce. With out any further due, I have a confession to make: it was sadly one of the best things I have eaten in a couple of weeks.

I have more or less only been eating baked beans on toast to save some money and when I set my mind on something like that I have a really (REALLY) hard time to think outside the box. This is, of course, nothing but annoyingly stupid and that side of myself confuses me.

I am perfectly aware of the fact that you can eat cheap and that eating cheap does not automatically mean that you only have to consume the same thing all the time. There are, indeed, plenty of different cheap things.

My brain understands this, but can for some reason not seem to get around it properly. I am weird like that with many things in life (Asperger's syndrome?).

Anyway, I have now found out about university back in Sweden and even though I did get accepted to a good one, I decided to say thanks but no thanks for this year. I am currently on the waiting list - awaiting a response from my first choice, and my third.

But for now, it looks like I am staying in here.. that is until something is pushing me towards anything else. I like it here, but I am also completely open to new adventures. I think that I am just going to let go a little bit and just.. go with it for now. I am just going to let things happen.. let life happen.

I will take a test as soon as I have returned from holidays, that will give me the opportunity to apply for universities over here. I will also start looking for a new place to live, even if it is just for a little while. Camden is calling, and I want to tick that of my list at some point in my life so I figure  - why not now.

Thirty four

I saw my Duff McKagan man (also known as Jason) sitting at the bus stop outside my house this sunny Saturday morning. It is now weeks since we crossed paths last time. He was wearing an orange beanie and a leather jacket - smoking two Marlboro Reds at the same time. He was holding one in each hand and was kind of taking turns smoking them. It looked absolutely retarded.  

Me: Oi, stranger! That hat of yours is radioactive. I saw you all the way from Tesco.

Jason: Babe! Haven't seen you IN AAAAAGEEEEEEES! Mate woooooow, dudeeeeeee. Wicked!

Me: You look well - fresh and not that drunk for a change.

Jason: Cheers! Yeah, no, I'm sober, not drinking at all anymore. Just sitting at a bus stop alone at 6 o'clock in the morning waiting for my mate who's currently throwing up in McDonald's across the road. Don't judge. You're judging me now. With you eyes. Stop doing that with your eyes. Look away!

Me: No hate dude, more of a compliment, really. You look less drunk now.. I mean, compared to the other times I've bumped into you.

Jason. That's not a compliment, Mimmi. You going to work, eh?

Me: Mh-m indeed-o.

Jason: Drunk?!

Me: I'm not drunk!

Jason: Your eyes beg to differ, ladyfriend.

Me: My eyes ain't differing nothing! I look like this in the morning!

Jason: Correct me if I'm wrong here, but you do have drunken eyes.

Me: I just said you're wrong, and you still are.

Jason: Can I come with you to work today?

Me: What.. wait. What? No!

Jason: But aaaAAAAAAaaahhHHh I want do spend time with you! And I can't BELIEVE this, I need to WEE again and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO MY iPAD?

Me: You broke it?

Jason: I broke it.